I Lie About It

People ask so often "how are you?" And I often say, "I'm doing well." But I'm not doing well. The question itself has become just more of something to say than an actual question. People walk by and say how are you instead of hello. Cashiers in grocery stores. People everywhere. I lie. I say I'm fine.

But what bothers me most about this stupid phrase is the weight it holds when it's people I know asking me rather than compete strangers. Strangers don't care. They just say it not to be polite. It holds no value. But when my family asks me how am I, that hold too much value.

My mom or dad ask me how I'm doing and it feels like a loaded question. If I say I'm better today, what I'm really saying is my symptoms and pain are more tolerable today. It doesn't mean I'm all better and now I'm miraculously healthy. It means better. Not perfect. But that is how they take it. I can't say better. I can't say I'm struggling either. If I say that then of sounds like all I ever do is complain. Which is understandable because people ask all the time. Of course it would seem like I complain all the time. No one wants to talk to a Debbie downer.

But that makes it difficult for me. I can't be better or worse. Ever. But then when I'm not getting better or worse and I go in for more testing or now I have a new diagnosis, my parents wonder what happened. How do they something else is wrong? You've been better.

But better doesn't mean I'm fixed.

And honestly, its just too damb exhausting having to explain what I feel anyway. I feel like its impossible to really get across to them. And rather than waist my energy and be honest and tell them how I'm really doing, I lie about it.

Anyone else have to lie when asked how you're doing? I notice the only people I'm truthful with are other chronically ill people. How about you?

And how are you? Seriously. You can be honest with me. I actually want to know. So feel free to share, good or bad. I'm here to listen. :)