Dear Body,

It's been a long road already. We've had our ups and downs. I'm sorry that I never cared for you much. I was young and stupid. And now... Well now, I'm usually too tired to take of you the way I should.

Thinking back when I was younger and would starve you.. I wanted to be thin so badly. I know I already was. And it wasn't your fault body. You didn't deserve that treatment from me. I'm sorry I was anorexic. I'm sorry I made you struggle. I was just struggling so much inside. I just couldn't see what everyone else saw. Honestly, I still don't. I still struggle with this today. But I know that its just me. It's not you body. It isn't your fault. So I'm sorry that you are starved now because you can't work like you should. I often wonder of its my fault for damaging you or just the disease that's taken over you. So, seriously. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that overworked you. I didn't know my joints were so unstable. If I knew, I would have been more careful. You see though body, being born that way, I didn't know I was in a different body than all the others until it was too late. I'm sorry that you struggle so much to keep me together. I really didn't know. And trust me, I feel your pain. Ever single day. I'm suffering with you.

I'm sorry that I didn't exercise when I was able to. I thought there would be more time. I thought "I'm young. I'll exercise when I'm older and need to." But that was selfish. And now you suffer because of it.

I'm sorry that I took you for granted. I'm sorry that I never appreciated all the complex processes you did every day. And now they are gone. Digestion, proprioception, balance, coordination, eye sight, hearing, sensation of touch, breathing, all of that and more. I took you for granted. See body, I never had to think about those things. You thought about them for me. But now, I know you can't anymore. And it must be frustrating for you. I know it frustrates me.

And while I go through all the emotions of having lost your ability to take care of me, I'm reminded that I didn't take care of you. But sometimes body, I really hate you. And it just isn't fair to you. I know that. I know you tried. I know you struggle every day. I know its the disease and not really your fault. But I still hate I'm stuck in you. I hate that I don't see what others see. I hate that now starving isn't a choice I'm making. I hate that I'm hungry but I can't feed you. I hate that I walk into things because you can't see or know where the rest of you is in time and space. I know you're probably just as scared as me.

I know it body. And I'm sorry for all of it. I'm sorry that I didn't love you the way you loved me. And I'm sorry that I hate you for being sick. I try to love you. I really do. It's just so hard.

I just wanted you to know that I know. I know I hurt you. I know I was selfish. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're broken.