I Wish It Was Just Cancer

For anyone with cancer, I don't know if you'll understand.

Having a chronic illness sucks. Every single day it sucks. We don't get better, just sometimes have better days. But we can't get healed and go on about our lives. I'm sure those that had cancer and won, they are fearful it will come back. But you get check ups, and you really only have to think about when that time for your scan comes again.

I have to think about my illness every single day. I'm scared every single day. I wonder what will happen to me every single day. Sometimes I pray that God will say that's been enough suffering and take me.

I'm not gonna go and kill myself, but I do pray that I'll pass in my sleep. Sometimes when its really bad, I think about it. Its hell living this every day. No end in sight. Just forever. Every single day.

It may sound insensitive, but its how I feel. And its how I know other's like me feel. With cancer, you either die, or you beat it. There is an end one way or another.

With chronic illnesses, there just isn't. Its always there! Every single day!!!

But its not only just that. Everyone knows what cancer is. You say to someone you have cancer, they instantly know what it is. Even though it may be "invisible" from the outside. People know.

I tell them I have Chiari and EDS and even doctors don't know what it is. People think I'm crazy. Like its a fake disease I just made up. "Omg. I met this girl today that told me she has this condition where part of her brain is falling out of her head. What a crazy person. That is not even a thing."

But it is! And it's real. And I feel it. And it scares me and angers me.

I don't want cancer. But if I had to choice between cancer and a chronic illness, I'd pick cancer every time.

It's so hard to raise awareness for these orphan conditions and less known about conditions when breast cancer is our there advertising every day. We get certain months, like September was Chiari awareness month. But people don't know what that is. People know it's breast cancer month but don't know its lupus month. Lupus is left aside. Fighting against the tits to get awareness for a condition that isn't about breasts. How can it compete. And it isn't fair.

I wish it had just been cancer. At least then there would be an end in sight. Either you win or lose, but it ends.