A Full Time Patient And Parenting

Being chronically ill changes everything! Before I got really sick, I worked full time, was a single mom, and a student. I thought I was like a super mom.

Now.... Well.... Now I'm different.

I will see all these great mom blogs and facebook posts about all these moms coming up with awesome and super creative activities for their kids. Or all those delicious yummy treats that are kid friendly to bake. You know the ones. Like making Frozen themed ice castles or the chocolate dipped bananas with all the crazy toppings or the arts and crafts for mothers day or just to do during "down time" on a Monday evening.

I don't know about any of you. But seriously!? How does anyone have the time or the energy for that shit?

Either I am doing a terrible job with managing my time, or those "moms" are lying... Or maybe aliens (most likely this one). I have enough trouble with remembering how to do normal activities. Much less coming up with new and more energy sucking ones.

Being a chronically ill mom is a really hard job! I love my kids with all my heart, but now I am planning activities around my energy levels. Sometimes, it's just a hot dog and watermelon for dinner. Sometimes I just have to lay down and do nothing for a bit and my kids will be bored out of their little minds, but they have to entertain themselves. I just can't do it all!!

And you know what? I feel GUILTY! SSSSSOOOOOOO GUILTY! I feel like I deserve the worst mom of the year award. I want to do more with my kids. I would love to go back and be the mom I was before I got sick. But I can't. I'm stuck in this crapola body, and I just can't go like I use to.

I feel guilty for not being able to give my kids all they deserve. I feel guilty that I am sick. I am a sad that my youngest may never know the me before her. I am sad that my oldest had the me before, but was too young to remember. They will never know the before sick me. And that makes me sad. I am angry that I can't be all super mom and make all the awesome arts and crafts and snacks with my kids. I'm angry that I have a hard enough time following simple instructions myself (thank you Chiari) so I have little patience when trying to bake with them. I am angry that I get so frustrated with myself and my limitations. I am heartbroken.

But I do the best I can. I try and try my best every single day. I have my bad days, and my better days. But every single one of them I am busting my ass to be the best mother I can be to those beautiful little girls.

My kids know that I love them. They know that I'm sick. They know I try and sometimes I fail. But sometimes I make it. And those times, seeing my kids light up while we play, those times make it all worth the struggle. I love those crazy girls!!

So I may not be the best, but I try my best.

 I'm their super mom. :)