I Can't Think Of A Good Title...

I am really depressed today. I don't know why. Nothing has changed. Nothing happened to make me depressed. I just am. And I hate it...

I go through these dips every so often for no reason it seems.... It really makes everything so much challenging. I already lack motivation because, you know... I'm chronically ill and that just comes with the territory.. But this is different..

I don't want to do anything but sleep all day and drown out the world. And I can't because I'm a mom and I have two little people depending on me. And that just makes me feel worse.

Like I failed them by being so horrible or something. I know this will pass and I will be back to my normal optimistic self (even as my body literally falls apart) soon.. But waiting for it to come and act like everything is fine is just totally draining and makes me even more depressed.

People always say when you're depressed to just get up and get out if you can. Do something that you usually enjoy. It's hard because you don't want to, but it will help bring you out of the depression.

Because depression is a cycle. An evil vicious cycle. You get depressed and isolate yourself and then the isolation and lack of motivation makes you even more depressed. And the cycle continues...

Knowing this will pass is not comforting right now though. I want it gone now! I want to feel okay and I just don't. Everything seems so bleak right now...

I just recently found out that I will have to change my major in school because it isn't offered and I can't travel to another college that does offer it... I was all proactive before... I mean, I realized this more than a week ago.. But today, it's all I can think about. I don't want to change my major. That is why I CHOSE it!!! Ugh..

I also just found out last week after meeting with my urologist that my bladder is only slightly prolapsed and will not require surgery. Good news!!!! But even that has come with complications.. He thinks my symptoms are mostly neurological.. How do I fix that??!! He said that my muscle strength is still good, and that my saving grace with my prolapse (for now) is hat I never delivered my children naturally (both were c-sections). He also said that will my EDS, it will only get worse in time and IF I ever DID have the surgery, there are A LOT of risks... Which completely freaked me out.

I usually am so good at taking the good and bad and just figuring out what can be done and how I'm going to do it. Things very rarely get to me... So why now?! Why am I depressed today?!

Seriously, when it comes out of the blue like this, it's just an even bigger downer...

Anyone else experience random depression? What do you do to combat it? 

I Thought It Was A Good Thing?!

Holy shit. I didn't realize how long it's been since my last post!

It is crazy how fast time flies! It felt like only a week. Not over a month!!

Anyway. I have fun news!

After the passing of our last dog, we were planning on getting another. We wanted a weimaraner and we going to get one through a breeder. Well, then my husband saw the cutest doggy in Facebook. He was in a shelter and losing weight from stress. It was bad. So of course our plan changed and we saved him. He is so sweet! About 2 years old, Pitt/Lab mix. Such a cutie pie!

Soooo! Now that we have this new dog. And he isn't all super old and has energy (unlike our last one), I walk him twice a day now. Once in the morning before I get my kids up and ready for school, and once at night after I put them to bed.

Its great because he is so active it makes me HAVE to STAY active!

I mean it's easy to do something one day as then do nothing for 3 days. Or more like 3 months. Whatever. Don't judge. I KNOW I'm soooo out of shape!!

So this walking has been great and all because, well duh, I'm up and moving. Which is good all around.

But now that its been 2 weeks. Its not. I'm actually in more pain now than I was before. My back, hips, and knees are angry with me and they are not afraid to let me know!

What a catch 22. Work out and it will help stabilize. But working out (yes, walking is a type of exercise! I checked!) makes my pain so much worse.

I'm staying with it. For Bentley (our new fur child). But I must say, I hope I hit a comfortable place soon or I may get a wheelchair and just have him pull me.

Anyone else ever start to workout or change your routine to try and better yourself to just have it laugh at you? Did it pass? Did you stay strong or give up? Comment below! 

Happy New Year!

Ah, new years. Where people go out and drink and stay up to watch the ball drop and kiss their spouse to start the new year.

Goodbye old year! Here is a start to fresh new me!

Am I right?

People ask "What's your new years resolution?"

I get it. We can all use some improvement.

But really, I don't know what to do anymore. But I'm a little depressed today, so maybe my funk is just taking the fun out of it.

I mean, other than quitting smoking (yes I know I'm a horrible horrible person because I smoke. I KNOW!)  I don't really have much on my "list".

There are things I'd love to; workout regularly, organize and declutter out house, do more stuff with the kids, work more in my garden, etc.

But with a chronic illness, I never what I will feel at any given time.

For instance, earlier today, I had planned to do stuff around the house but my blood pressure dropped. Can't do anything when that happens. So I layed on the couch all day watching a marathon of Gilmore Girls.

It was all I could do. So when I don't know what will happen with my body at any moment, it makes "resolutions" harder to make.

I mean, sure I can make them. But sticking to them... Well, that's a whole other thing entirely.

How many have made new years resolutions anyway? Maybe we can all try and push each other to keep them (when we are able anyway).

Sometimes, I know I could. But I allow my disease to be an excuse to not to do because changing is hard and sometimes I'm just too damn tired to care.

My 2014 wasn't that bad, but it wasn't a perfect year either. We lost our dog, but when on a vacation. My kids are healthy and in school. I made the President's list in school. It was a pretty good year.

How about all of you? How was your year? What would you like to change for next year? (And it can't be a random cure for your illness unless you are actually a scientist and already researching and close to finding said cure). Something YOU can actually change for you and your life. Please share below!!

Have a great night! Be safe! And may you have a blessed new year!

I'll be sitting on my couch (actually I'll probably be sleeping) this new years. :)